I am updating my terms & conditions. After offering myself for free to friends and family for a very generous introductory period, I will now be placing myself behind a paywall. But read on for news of exciting extras for those who take out annual subscriptions.

The data shows that friends and family gain measurable health benefits from spending time with me. I relieve stress, encourage sociability and companionship, and my added humour can provide a whole host of unexpected bonuses, from a wry smile to full-blown laughter.

Hurry while stocks last!

For friends and family who choose to take out an annual subscription (note: this is a recurring subscription and will auto-renew on your due date. You can cancel at any time.), a raft of added club member benefits awaits.

You will be able to hook-up to a livecam of me spending time on my own preparing to spend time with you. You will be able to watch me switch my phone to silent when you call, pick my nose, compose a witty reply to your text, and much, much more.

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A subscription also comes with an ‘I Know Nat’ tote bag, a Nat’s Gang™ baseball cap, and a Certificate of Authenticity confirming your ongoing relationship with me, personally signed by me. There are even a host of Nat’s World™ adventures you can join me on, available only to subscribers.

Now you may be saying, this is all very well, but what about if you’re my child? Children’s rights need to be safeguarded here. With that in mind, I have also designed a special Parent Package, where you receive my care services through a preferential loan scheme.

As a child, enjoy all the benefits of my parenting for free! You pay nothing now. (Note: as soon as you enter employment, repayments automatically activate on a per salary basis until the loan is repaid with interest, or you reach the age of 50, whichever is sooner.)

Talking of control issues, someone asked if we should risk losing control of our civilisation. Are we even in control?